The Agrademy Awards, December 1996

*Jonathan walks into the lunch room, where Chris is sitting reading the 
*newspaper.

J:  I hear you're teaching 107 next semester.

*Chris looks up.

C:  That's right.
J:  I developed that class, you know.  Back when I was a new faculty member
    myself.  Back when I made Time Magazine.
C:  Yeah?
J:  Now I hear people saying you're the "new Lunine".  This lab isn't even
    big enough for the old Lunine, let alone a new one...

*Chris gets up, moves around so that his back is to the whiteboard

J:  Let's see if you're what they say... Draw!  Draw the temperature structure
    of the Earth's atmosphere!

*Chris starts drawing the diagram.

*Cut to the hallway where the sink is, J and C on either end.  Jonathan asks
*him questions, Chris answers them all, rapidly.  The questions begin with
*things like "What is the half-life of Uranium-238" and "Name the major methane
*sinks in the atmosphere" and "What is the difference between a brown dwarf and
*a super-jovian planet", grading into more absurd questions like "To what 
*temperature must the inside of an egg be cooked to kill salmonella" and 
*"Who was the last pitcher to win an MVP award" and "When was the Treaty of
*Adrianople signed" to finally...

J:What song opens side 2 of the LP "Rubber Soul" by the Beatles?
C:British or American release?
J:What?  Er... I don't know...

*Jonathan clutches his arm, comes over and puts his arm around Chris, giving
*him his hat (pen, pointer, whatever)

J:Congratulations, kid.  Now they'll be gunning for you...

*J&C walk off into the sunset. 

Jen: Welcome to the First Agrademy Awards, 1996!
Doug: Actually, it's the 4th, but this is the first time we're inviting and awarding non-graduate students.
Jen: We're awarding the prestigious "Grad-E" this evening to worthy recipients for egregiousness of all types. Since the Grad of E is equal to zero, I think we should give you nothing.
Doug: But instead, we'll be giving you this fine certificate for your achievement. Nominees are voted on by all 17,000 members of the Agrademy, and results are tabulated by the prestigious accounting firm of the Business Office. The names of the winners are sealed hermetically and promptly lost by the Academic Office. The new winners are generated using Instant Data(TM), proud sponsors of tonight's awards.

Though the heyday of the Western is long past, its themes stand eternal in the world and hereat the Lab. What scene can match a showdown for pure drama?

The nominees for Best Western are:

1. How the Lab was Won
2. A Fistful of Data
3. The Good, The Bad and The Tenured
4. Intercrater Plains Drifter

And the winner is : How the Lab was Won! Let's roll that clip!

As Planetary Scientists, Science Fiction holds a dear place in many of our hearts. Many times we've seen the predictions of yesterday turn into the failed proposals of today, but still we return to televised science fiction, if only to mock it.

The nominees for best Science Fiction TV Show are:

1. Space Science 1996
2. The Xe File
3. Labylon 5
4. Mighty Morphin Power Rovers

And the winner is : The Xe Files! Let's roll that clip!

Of course, the silver screen gives us a much larger canvas to view the failed promise of a Goldin future. But we can make our own magic, and here at LPL where fiction can be published as science, we recognize the best Science Fictionfilm.

The nominees for best Science Fiction Film are:

1. 1996: A Space Science Odyssey
2. Lab Wars
3. Earth Gehrels Are Easy
4. 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea: The Mars '96 Story

And the winner is : Lab Wars! Let's roll that clip!

Doug: Now let's hear a word from our sponsors.
(Cut to Hair Club For Faculty, then Jokipii and Meyers)
Doug: Welcome back to the Agrademy Awards. We're now on the category of Best Top 10 List.

Since humanity first developed the capacity for abstract thought, we have been compelled to organize our thoughts into Top 10 Lists, a marriage of language and mathematics. The oldest recorded Top 10 List was Moses' "Top 10 Things God Doesn't Want You To Do". The fertile field then lay fallow until it was plowed by David Letterman. We here follow his footsteps and run the idea into the ground.

The nominees for best Top 10 List are:

1. Top 10 Places even hotter than Tucson
2. Top 10 Directives from Mike Drake for the next SOFIA visit
3. Top 10 Things We'd Like to See Hanging from the Atrium
4. Top 10 Places Mike Drake has yet to serach for 2 year old Easter Eggs.

And the winner is : Top 10 Directives from Mike Drake for the next SOFIA visit! Here's Andy Rivkin to read the winning list.

An arena where competitors meet in savage conflict, losing their cool, their dignity, and perhaps even their lives in the quest for material wealth. Is it the ancient Roman gladiatorial combat? No! It's today's modern game show!

The nominees for best Game Show are:

1. The $20,000 Grant
2. The Newlygrad Game
3. Research Group Feud
4. Let's Make an Instrument!

And the winner is : The Newlygrad Game, with our host Andy Rivkin!

We have only one nominee for "Best Existentialist Art Film", thank God. It can be clearly recognized as an art film by its minimalist soundtrack, static, skewed camera angles, innovative use of repetition and innovative use of repetition to establish the ennui of a meaningless world.

And the winner is: Waiting For Godotobed! Let's roll the clip!

Jen: Now as a change of pace, some members of the Agrademy would like to share some recent experiences.(Euro '96 slides)

Doug: Let's take a moment to hear from another of our sponsors.

Video: Doug: Now as we approach the end, we get to some of our most prestigious awards.

Can the drama we experience in real life match the dramas we see on the big screen? Yes. Well, no. Well, maybe. Answer hazy, try again later. In any case,

The nominees for best Drama are:

1. Interview with the Postdoc
2. Fried Green Tomaskoes
3. The Gradfather
4. Citizen Drake

And the winner is : The Gradfather! Let's roll that clip!

In cinematography, the "auteur" theory holds that it is the vision and will of the director along which determines the quality of the final product. At LPL, the director does no such thing.

The nominees for best Director are:

1. Mike Drake
2. Gene Levy
3. G. P. Kuiper
4. Bill Hubbard

And the winner is : Linda Hickox!

Each year the energy and vitality of live skits must competer with the... er... polished perfection of the pre-recorded skits. Although video skits afford the opportunity for background music and computer-generated scenes, only in live skits can we throw things at you.

The nominees for best Live Skit are:

1. What Really Happens at Faculty Meetings
2. More Tiresome Ranting and In-Jokes
3. Chris Schaller Insults All of You
4. The Grad Students Shower the Audience With Rotten Vegetables Skit

And the winner is : What Really Happens at Faculty Meetings! Here we present that skit for you.

Jen: Tonight it is my distinct privelege and pleasure to present the Agrademy's Lifetime Achievement Award. This year's recipient has continually inspired us all. Particularly moving is his recent adaptation of a beloved old TV classic from the 1970's.

Let's roll that clip.
The award is presented to: 

Doug: Thank you. This is the end. We'll run the 13 minutes of video once more so that you get another chance to hear everything.

Quicktime Movies of some skits:

• How The Lab Was Won and The Xe Files (MOV)
• Lab Wars, Boing, Waiting for Gotobed, Instant Data Crystals for Support Staff (MOV)
• The Gradfather, $6M Hubbard (MOV)