Holiday Skits 1994

Top Ten LPL Movie Titles

10. Scarecrow and Mr. Kring

9. Kring for a Day

8. The Man Who Would Be Kring

7. Kring of Comedy

6. Lord of the Krings

5. Kring Kong

4. The Fisher Kring

3. The Kring and I

2. Needful Krings

1. The Lion Kring

The $20,000 Grant Game

Andy: I'm Dick Clark Chapman. Welcome to the 20,000 dollar grant! Let's meet today's contestants. She's a recent graduate from Tucson's Lunar and Planetary Lab, Dr. Lisa McFarlane! Her celebrity partner from Cornell University, Dr. Carl Sagan! I'd like to remind our viewers the rules for the game. Lisa will be trying to guess categories in the pyramid using only the clues Carl...

Jeff: Dr. Sagan!

Andy: the clues Dr. Sagan gives her. But he can't use any phrases in the title of the category. If Lisa gets all six categories, she wins the grant! Please remember no coaching from the audience and, of course, no wagering. Are you both ready?

Lisa: Yes!

Andy: Then let's go! First category!

Jeff: Mercury, Venus, Mars...
Lisa: The Planets!
Jeff: Asteroids, Comets...
Lisa: Everything in the Solar System!
Jeff: Asteroids II, Venus II, Protostars and Planets III...
Lisa: Books in the Space Science Series!
Andy: Next category!

Jeff: Wal-Mart, Tanque Verde Swap Meet...
Lisa: Places to buy a chili dog!
Jeff: Radio Shack, K-Tel...
Lisa: Places Bob Singer buys spectrometer parts!
Andy: Next category!

Jeff: I can't believe you don't know this. Just do an order of magnitude calculation. I taught you this in Surfaces. You don't know that off the top of your head?
Lisa: Things Jay Melosh would say!
Andy: Next category! You're halfway there!

Jeff: Slugs...
Lisa: Things faster than a key request!
Jeff: Janskys, Centimeter-Amagats, Rankine, Ergs
Lisa: Useless Units!
Andy: Next category!

*Jeff clears his throat*
Lisa: Things Don Hunten would say!
Jeff: Er, I was just clearing my throat. 
Lisa: Oh, OK.

Jeff: Amelia Earhardt, Jimmy Hoffa, King Tut
Lisa: People stuck in the LPL elevator!
Jeff: 1500 slides, 6 PC's, 
Lisa: Things found in the imagery center?
Jeff: Missing Inventory. Everything that ever entered...
Lisa: Things found in Larry's office!
Andy: Last category!

Jeff: The Sun. Venus. 
Lisa: Things found in Larry's office!
Jeff: The center of Jupiter. The aesthenosphere.
Lisa: Things under less pressure than Caltech grad students!
Jeff: Phoenix...
Lisa: Places hotter than Tucson!

Andy: Congratulations Lisa! You've won the grant. Unfortunately, funding's been cut, so the grant doesn't exist. Thanks for watching, and remember as of January 1st, we become the 20,000 dollar global change survey! Goodbye everyone!

Top Ten Non-Kring Faculty Movie Titles

10. The Fink Panther

9. Tim Bandits

8. Jazz Singer

7. When Larry Met Halley

6. Soylent Greenberg

5. Red Strom Rising

4. Earth Gehrels Are Easy

3. Don With the Wind

2. The Hunten For Red October

1. Attack of the Killer Tomaskoes

Top Ten Faculty Quotes

10. Bob Singer - "Your rock is freely, on some microscopic scale, a quivering mass fo Jell-O."

9. Jay Melosh - "Everything is total chaos and we don't know nothing."

8. Tim Swindle - "If you are clever and scrupulous about it, you can make it even righter by fudging it."

7. Bob Strom - "The moon looks like the moon."

6. Celebrity Guest Quote, Shield's Date Farm - "These blackest of black dates are red when they're green."

5. John Lewis - "That's not a UFO; that's a spiral galaxy."

4. Jay Melosh - "...how, in your very own bedrooms, you can repeat some of these experiments."

3. Bob Singer - "That's what we do here--we make up stories about bumps and wiggles."

2. Jay Melosh - "Once you become a professor, you've done it all; you get your jollies any way you can."

1. Peter Smith - "You can't get it up, even if you take sphericity into account."

Quicktime Movies of some skits:

• Faculty Theme Songs, Jen's Orals, and some outtakes (MOV)
• "Wire Me," "Better Now it's over," Movie Top Tens, and "Dr Sagan, Dick" (MOV)
• Hubbard Rebuttal to Skits, Part 1 of 2 (MOV)
• Hubbard Rebuttal to Skits, Part 2 of 2 (MOV)