We had a LOT more help this year--thanks to everyone who donated their time, energy, and money! We turned the atrium into a jungle (see memo #3) complete with running waterfall (see pictures here)! Dave Kring got a sendup with multiple roadside signs pointing to The Kring?, and also (coincidentally?) gave a colloquium on the connection between Indian Leather Moccasins and the Martian Meteorites. we made each of the windows on the all-glass north side of the building into pixels, and by strategically opening and closing windowshades, were able to spell out a huge HELP!. Finally, the lunchroom accoutrements (refrigerator, microwaves, coffepots) were moved to Mike Drake's office (memo #1), but apparently not to his liking, as he ordered them moved out as soon as he arrived in the morning...
Memos:
To: LPL Everybody
From: Dr. Michael J. Drake, Head, Director, and Lunch Czar
Re: Lunch
As you are no doubt aware, the Department of Planetary Sciences recently underwent a visit by a review panel. While they found LPL to be the premier planetary science department in the nation in terms of grant dollars received and a flagship research department, it was noted that faculty, staff and students alike take extended lunch and coffee breaks, cutting our possible productivity by as much as 10%.
As a result of this I have decided that henceforth, all lunch breaks will be taken in my office. I have had the refrigerator and microwave ovens moved into my office so that I can keep lunch breaks to a reasonable length. If this new lunch policy succeeds, steps will be taken to reduce the amount of time spent in the women's restroom.
To: LPL Everybody
From: Steve Bell, LPL Electronics Lab
Re: Rumors
Those of us down in the Electronics Lab have become aware of some unusual rumors about us and where we obtain some of our equipment. To put the rumors to rest, we want to state without any doubt that we do not obtain any of our hardware from captured alien spacecraft.
On another note, we would like to invite PIs to join us in proposing for a "faster, cheaper, better" $100,000 three-month mission to Alpha Centauri.
To: LPL Everybody
From: Dr. Michael J. Drake, Head, Director and Lunch Czar
Re: Sabbatical
You may have noticed that many of our distinguished faculty have taken well-earned sabbaticals over the past year. Because these sabbaticals have been so well received, I have authorized every faculty member to go on sabbatical next year. While every faculty member who teaches a class for the department will be gone, I feel that our well-undeserved reputation for teaching will go unblemished.
To: LPL Everybody
From: Dr. Manuel Pacheco, President of the University
Re: LPL Closing
It has been an incredible week for us at the University of Arizona, with the Wildcats giving us our first ever NCAA basketball championship. We will welcome home the Wildcats with a rousing campus-wide pep rally tonight, but we need your help. Because many of our fans and ticket holders are not students and live off campus in the foothills of the Catalinas, parking will be extremely tight. As a result, no parking permits will be honored from noon on Tuesday until the end of Spring Fling on Sunday night. We ask your further understanding as we will be closing the Kuiper Space Sciences Building (Building 92) to facilitate ease of movement from Speedway Boulevard and Campbell Avenue to McHale Center.
However, while Building 92 will be closed for this period, we will leave Building 92 unlocked so that the bathrooms may be used by the public. We hope the minor inconvenience involved in shutting down the university's secondary functions will be more than offset by our pride in our victorious Wildcats.
To: LPL Everybody
From: Dr. Michael J. Drake, Head, Director and Lunch Czar
Re: Jungle Theme
Each day, thousands of acres of rainforest are destroyed in ecologically sensitive areas. In light of our successful "Adopt a Family" program, I decided to affiliate LPL with the "Adopt a Rainforest" program in order to further outreach into the community (all tax shelter benefits were completely incidental). Startlingly and unexpectedly, the acre of Peruvian rainforest we adopted was delivered to the Kuiper Space Sciences Building late last night.
One benefit of the presence of an oxygen-producing environment in our atrium is that we no longer need the air handlers. However, this benefit is perhaps offset by the special dietary needs of the jaguars. I am sure we need not remind you that the university contracts you have all signed obligate you to protect these magnificent animals, which fill a previously unoccupied niche in the fragile laboratory ecosystem.
On a related note, this should encourage everyone to redouble their efforts in encouraging undergraduate enrollment in PTYS classes.
LPL: It's a jungle in there!
The Kring?
