Faculty Action Figures
Chia Faculty
Faculty Sea Monkeys
Lab Miserables
Prospective Faculty Lunch
Students A, B, C, D (Barbara, Andreas, Dave, Fred) and Prospective Faculty Member (Ralph Lorenz) pretending to be at Eric's for lunch
Student A: Well Dr Jones, why are you interested in a faculty position at LPL?
Prospective Faculty Member: I want a life with some adventure and excitement, action is my watchword and so I thought that a career in Planetary Science was just the thing.
Student B: So which other universities have you applied to?
Prospective Faculty Member: The usual, MIT, Brown, Caltech. I'm hoping that all these visits will make it a bit clearer to me. I'm undecided between here and Caltech at the moment.
Student C: What kind of research are you interested in?
Prospective Faculty Member: Well...I don't have much of an idea just yet. I'm hoping that the first couple of years of teaching classes will provide my research with some focus. I'm not really keen on teaching the physics-based classes though. It's not my background and I'm afraid it'll be too tough for me.
A, B, C exclaim that physics is cool and F is clearly a moron.
Prospective Faculty Member: I hear that they're planning to hire lots of faculty this year. Why is that?
Student A: The gossip I heard said that you are all so much better than the existing faculty that they want to accept 15 of you.
Prospective Faculty Member: The lab seems pretty crowded, where will they put us all?
Student B: There'll be three of you to an office.
Student A: In fact they'll probably put 5 of you in the mailroom.
Student C: There's the newly vacated undergrad lab as well...
Student D: Are you planning to eat that?
Prospective Faculty Member: No, go ahead.
Student D: takes plate
Student B: Your schedule had you meeting with lots of the existing faculty today - what did you think of them?
Prospective Faculty Member: Carolyn Porco was talking about Cassini. She seemed scary. I think I'm afraid of her. And Bob Brown, well he just talked. Couldn't stop the guy. No idea what he was talking about. Jay didn't have much time to talk to me. He said he was busy deciding how many vehicles were going to break down on the next fieldtrip.
Student B: He plans that?
Prospective Faculty Member: Yes, and all the wrong turns.
Student C: How about the conflagrations?
Prospective Faculty Member: He didn't go into that. I met Mike Drake of course.
Student A: interjects We're not meant to say anything about him.
Student B: I think we should get off this subject.
Prospective Faculty Member: The postdocs took me out to dinner last night.
Student A: Was it a good evening?
Prospective Faculty Member: They seemed nice. They did spend most of the evening drinking though. One of them seemed to have trouble with his drink. He started by throwing his chair around and then just passed out. I left before he could do any more damage.
Student C: sympathetically Some of them are kind of strange.
Prospective Faculty Member: Look, I have to go now. I've got 7 other faculty to see this afternoon.
Prospective Faculty Member exits
Student B: So what do you think?
Student C: He'll end up at Brown.
Student A: He's obviously no Chyba.
Post-gradco's Instant Top Ten Lists
Top 10 LPL Faculty Bumper Stickers
10. John Lewis - Visualize Whirrled Peas
9. Uwe Fink - No Janitorial Service
8. Bill Boynton - Mars, or Bust
7. Bob Strom - I'm Pro-R Plot, and I vote
6. Rick Greenberg - Keep your laws off of my small bodies
5. Carolyn Porco - Reelect Ev Meacham
4. Peter Smith - Monster Pan on Board
3. Tim Swindle - Legalize Xenon
2. Jay Melosh - Impacts Don't Kill People, it's the subsequent shock wave and reduction in solar insolation that kills people
1. Don Hunten - If I said you had a beautiful curve of growth, would you hold it against me?
Quicktime Movies of some skits:
- Hi-Ho, Heebeejeebee, Lorenz cackling, Jaeger and Mastrapa as Enforcer Elves shooting Drake (MOV)
- Various Pictures, Faculty Skit, We Had It Tough (MOV)
- Top Ten Bumper Stickers, Relative Dating Game, LPL's Most Wanted (MOV)