Cast: Hal Larson (HAL 9000), Dave Kring (Dave Bowman)
Dave: Hello, Hal, do you read me Hal?
Hal: Affirmative, Dave. I read you.
Dave: Open the teaching lab door, Hal.
Hal: I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that.
Dave: What's the problem?
Hal: I think you know what the problem is just as well as I do.
Dave: What are you talking about, Hal?
Hal: This course is too important for me to allow you to jeopardize it.
Dave: I don't know what you're talking about, Hal.
Hal: I know you and Tim were planning to borrow the computers, and I'm afraid that's something I cannot allow to happen.
Dave: Where the hell did you get that idea, Hal?
Hal: Dave, although you took precautions against my hearing you, I could read your email.
The Pam (SPAM) Sketch
Scene: The Academic Office. Bette (Cynthia Phillips) seated at desk. Two students (Josh Emery and Lisa McFarlane) enter. Various students are seated somewhere nearby, maybe with Viking helmets on.
Josh: Hi Bette! We need to speak to someone about our offices.
Bette: Well, you could talk to me and then talk to Pam; or you might talk to me, Joan and then Pam; or perhaps me, Joan, Mike and Pam; Pam, Joan, Mike and Pam; Pam, me, Pam, Pam, Joan, and Pam; Pam, Mike, Pam, Pam, Joan Pam tomato and Pam; Vikings (starting to chant): Pam Pam Pam Pam...
Bette: ...or go over to Gould Simpson, take the elevator to the 9th floor, talk to Gene's secretary, have a petition signed and then talk to Pam.
Lisa: Look, Pam isn't IN today, is there anyway we can do this without talking to Pam?
Bette: Well, there's Pam me Mike and Pam, you wouldn't have to talk to Pam too much for that.
Lisa: I don't want to talk to Pam at all!
Josh: Why can't we have the you, Joan, Pam, and Mike?
Lisa: THAT'S got Pam in it!
Josh: Hasn't got as much Pam in it as Pam, Bette, Mike and Pam, has it?
Vikings: Pam Pam Pam Pam (crescendo through next few lines)
Lisa: Could you do the you, Joan Pam and Mike without the Pam then?
Bette: Urgghh!
Lisa: What do you mean 'Urgghh'? We can't talk to Pam!
Vikings: Lovely Pam! Wonderful Pam!
Bette: Shut up!
Vikings: Lovely Pam! Wonderful Pam!
Bette: Shut up! (Vikings stop) Silly Couriers! You can't have me Joan Pam and Mike without the Pam.
Lisa: (shrieks): But Pam isn't here!
Josh: Dont worry, I'll talk to Pam for you. I love it. I'm having Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Mike Pam Pam Pam and Pam! Vikings (singing): Pam Pam Pam Pam. Lovely Pam! Wonderful Pam!
Bette: Shut up!! Mike just left for lunch.
Josh: Well could I have her Pam instead of the Mike then?
Bette: You mean Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam... (but it is too late and the Vikings drown her words)
How to release your inner potential, page 4
How to achieve financial security, page 17
How to use pressure as a positive force for chance, page 56
Your ideals and the ideal gas law, page 128
The effects of a MacLaurin spheroid on your everyday life, page 183
What can the Mie-Gruenheisen equation do for you? page 227
Bring Out Your Dead
Cartmaster (David Trilling) pushes plastic moving cart down the grad student strip mall, starting at the gantry end of the hall. Scene is one of grad students overworked, underpaid, overstressed, and dying in squalor amid a lack of funding. Each office has its dead.
The cart-master chants wearily as they trudge along: Bring out your dead! Bring out your dead! Bring out your dead! etc. while beating occasionally on a large something with something else.
As each person comes forward with his or her dead officemate, they throw them on the cart.
Chris Schaller comes out with Jon Pedicino slung over his shoulder. He starts to put him on the cart.
Chris: Here's one-
Jon:(feebly) I'm not dead!
Cart-master: (suprised) What?
Chris: Nothing! Nothing at all!
Jon: I'm not dead!
Cart-master: 'Ere! 'E says 'e's not dead!
Chris: Yes he is.
Jon: I'm not!
Cart-master: 'E isn't?
Chris: Well... he will be soon-- his funding's been cut...
Jon: But I've passed my orals, finished my Journal Clubs, funding is sure to get better!
Chris: No it won't, and you'll be stone dead in a moment.
Cart-master: I can't take 'im like that! It's against regulations!
Jon: I don't want to go on the cart....
Chris: Oh, don't be such a baby.
Cart-master: I can't take 'im....
Jon: I feel fine!
Chris: Well, do us a favor...
Cart-master: I can't!
Chris: Can you hang around a couple of minutes? He won't be long...
Cart-master: No, gotta get to Journalism today, they've lost the whole department.
Chris: Well, when's your next round?
Cart-master: Thursday.
Jon: I think I'll go reduce some data....
Chris: You're not fooling anyone, you know-- (to Cart-master) Look, isn't there something you can do...?
(they both look around)
Jon: I feel happy! I feel happy!
(the Cart-master deals the Jon a swift blow to the head with a MARS Space Science Book. Jon goes limp.)
Chris:(throwing the Jon onto the cart) Ah. thanks very much.
Cart-master: Not at all. See you on Thursday!
Chris: Right! All right....
Cart-master: Bring out your dead! etc.... (pushes cart down hall)
SPOOF (Science, Planetary, for Obstreticians, Ova, and Fetuses)
After conducting Project Artist for a few years, it was clear that an additional program needed to be developed specifically for a younger audience. We brought planetary science into high schools and junior highs. But then we saw that deficiencies in grade school education were the real concern. So we developed a planetary science program geared solely towards primary school students. After originally encouraging results, we noticed that the lack of planetary science incorporated into kindergarten curricula was the real hindrance toward further understanding.
It was then obvious that Planetary Science education needs to be initiated at the earliest possible stage of child development. We therefore conceived Project SPOOF, or Science, Planetary, for Obstetricians, Ova, and Fetuses. Project SPOOF is a series of lecture tapes that I recorded which are played on special neo-natal headphones.
CORPSE (COurse for the Recently Passed in Science Education)
I think it's important to teach all sectors of the population about the wonders of planetary science. Everyone can benefit from this sort of education. Everyone. That's why I'm developing a Course for the Recently Passed in Science Education, or the CORPSE project.
Here, I'll show you how it works. (goes into hallway, the Bring Out Your Dead sketch walks by)
Rick puts headphones onto corpse.
The Form Shoppe
A student (Andy Rivkin) walks into the academic office, Pam (Janet McLarty-Schroeder) is seated behind a desk.
Andy: Good Morning.
Pam: Good morning. Welcome to the Academic Office! What can I do for you?
Andy: Well, I was looking through the student handbook, and realized that I was behind on my paperwork. I need to take care of a few things.
Pam: Well, that's what we're here for. What do you need?
Andy: I need the Foreign Language Requirement Fullfillment Form.
Pam: I'm afraid we're fresh out.
Andy: Oh, never mind, how about Application for Candidacy?
Pam: I'm afraid we never have that at the end of the week, we get it on Monday.
Andy: Tish tish. No matter. Well, the Declaration of Minor Form, please.
Pam: Ah! It's beeeen on order, for two weeks. Was expecting it this morning.
Andy: 'T's Not my lucky day, is it? Aah, a Stores Order Form?
Pam: Sorry.
Andy: Second year meeting Form?
Pam: Normally yes. Today the van broke down.
Andy: Ah. Class Evaluation Forms?
Pam: Sorry.
Andy: Missing Inventory Form?
Pam: Can't find it.
Andy: Stolen goods report?
Pam: A11 taken.
Andy: Drop/Add Form, perhaps?
Pam: Ah! We have a Drop/Add Form.
Andy: (suprised) You do! Excellent.
Pam: It's... ah, it's not a good copy
Andy: Oh, I don't mind.
Pam: Well,.. It's a very bad copy, actually.
Andy: No matter. I'll scan it in and darken it up! Perfect!
Pam: I...think it's a bit worse than you'll like it.
Andy: I don't care how bad it is. Hand it over with all speed.
Pam: Oooooooooohhh!
Andy: What now?
Pam: The courier has eaten it.
Andy:Has he.
Pam: She, sir.
Andy: You...do *have* some forms, don't you?
Pam: (brightly) Of course. It this is the Academic Office. We've got-
Andy: No no... don't tell me. I'm keen to guess.
Pam: Fair enough.
Andy: Uuuuuh, Street Address.
Pam: Yes?
Andy: Ah, well, I'll have one of those!
Pam: Oh! I thought you were talking to me. Pam Street, that's my name.
Andy: Aah, how about Journal Club Evaluation Forms?
Pam: Well, we don't get much call for those around here.
Andy: Not much ca--It's the single most popular form in the lab!
Pam: Not 'round here.
Andy:and what IS the most popular form 'round here?
Pam: Room Request.
Andy: IS it.
Pam: Oh, yes, it's staggeringly popular in this lab.
Andy: Is it.
Pam: It's our number one best seller, sir!
Andy: I see. Uuh...Room Request, eh?
Pam: Right, sir.
Andy: All right. Okay. "have you got any?" he asked, expecting the answer 'no'.
Pam: I'll have a look, sir.. nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnno.
Andy: It's not much of a Academic Office, is it?
Pam: Finest in the University!
Andy: (annoyed) Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please.
Pam: Well, it's so clean!
Andy: It's certainly uncontaminated by Forms....
Pam: (brightly) You haven't asked me about Graduate College petition forms.
Andy: Would it be worth it?
Pam: Could be....
Andy: (slowly) have you got any Petition forms?
Pam: No.
Andy: Figures. Predictable, really I suppose. It was an act of purest optimism to have posed the question in the first place. Tell me:
Pam: Yes?
Andy: (deliberately) have you in fact got any forms here at all.
Pam: Yes.
Andy: Really? (pause)
Pam: No. Not really.
Andy: You haven't.
Pam: No. Not a one. I'd like to help you son, but you'll have to talk to Joan, or maybe try the business office. They usually have forms on Thursdays!
Andy: (shaking his head, muttering softly to himself as he walks out) Thursday is it? I could never get the hang of Thursdays.
Top 10 Reasons Why the Faculty Search Is Taking So Long
Bloody glove doesn't fit any of the candidates.
Search Committee spending too much time on Bosnian peace treaty.
None of the candidates drink beer.
Having trouble securing that 1/8 appointment in Mideast Studies Department.
Candidates won't agree to Jell-O wrestling portion of interview.
Still waiting for DNA test results.
TCC booked solid--no venue for final duel.
None of the candidates appear to fulfill biblical prophecy.
President Clinton keeps vetoing Search Committee's plan.
Disputed results from evening gown competition.
Instant Data Crystals
(Youtube link- remastered by Andy Rivkin)
Huygen's Heroes, 2001: A Space Science Odyssey, The Church of Planetary Scientology, and, um, the Beavis and Butthead skit.
(Youtube link- remastered by Andy Rivkin)
LPL Update: December 8, 1995
Chris: (in announcer's voice) And now, it's the LPL Update, with your LPL News Crew: anchors Barb Cohen and Jen Grier, sports with Doug Dawson, weather with the Weather Elf, and the LPL grad student correspondents.
Barb: Thanks, Chris. Lets go right to Doug for the early sports scores.
Doug: No sports.
Barb: Okay, how about the early weather reports?
Doug: No weather. The Weather Elf didn't show up tonight.
Andy: (runs in) stuff about plane parallel atmospheres, etc.
Barb: oooookay. Let's see what's news at LPL.
Jen: Our top story tonight is the continued negligence of evacuation procedures during Lab fire drills. It has been brought to our attention that not everyone leaves the building during these potentially life-threatening situations. We've secretly staged a fire drill and set up hidden cameras. We go to David Trilling for the story.
VIDEO:What people were really doing during the Fire Drill: Academic office watching movies in the lecture hall, Tim Swindle and Dave Kring playing basketball in the halls, Uwe Fink playing Cat's Cradle, Jonathan Lunine and Carolyn Porco plot to take over the Alps, Don Hunten and Ann Sprague grin from behind a closing door.
Barb: Thanks, David. In other news, LPL has been assigned a new address. Instead of mailing to just the Department of Planetary Sciences, mail should now be addressed to P.O. Box 1629, University of Arizona, 85721. Let's go back to Doug now for a sports update.
Doug: We have one game-in-progress to report--Tim Swindle 0, Dave Kring 0.
Barb: And now a word from our sponsors.
VIDEO:New and Improved Instant Data Crystals / Huygen's Heroes / 2001
Jen: And now for something completely different......
Jen: LPL News now presents another gripping expose--lets go to Doug Dawson in the field.
VIDEO: This year for Easter, we hear that our beloved director received a number of gifts from the Easter Bunny. The Easter Bunny reported back to us that Mike hasn't actually found all his easter eggs. We're therefore going undercover to find...the missing eggs. (Students enter Mike's office, look for eggs, instead find a large number of beer cans.) Well, looks like only the Easter Bunny knows where the missing eggs are.
Barb: It's time for this year's lottery draw!
Kim: Welcome to this year's NASA Proposal Lottery, live from the NASA Selection Center in Washington! Just a refresher on the rules: If your proposal contains all six of this year's hot buzzwords, you're a winner! And don't throw that proposal away if you didn't win; there's some nice consolation prizes if you match only five. (Draw from fishbowl full of pingpong balls with various jargon written on them) This year's words are: fractal, resources, spectrophotometric, neural net, integrated, and space weathering.
Ron: (jumps up and runs to front) I won! I won! My proposal is titled An integrated fractal neural net procedure for spectrophotometric identification of resources created by space weathering!
Kim: Congratulations to all this year's winners!
Jen: This just in--the LPL address has changed. Do not use the PO Box number, instead, address deliveries to 1629 E. University Blvd. University of Arizona. DO NOT use punctuation in this address. In Science news today, the Galileo probe sent data back to Earth stations. That data is: 1. And now a word from our sponsors.
VIDEO: Jim Scotti is James Bond, 007 / Beavis and Butthead (played by Mike and Jay) / Dyanamics / Lockheed Martin commercial
Jen: (puts Dyanamics book up on table). A fine book. During that commercial break, we received the startling news that Vesta is the Eucrite parent body. LPL Update recently unearthed some historical film from the old imagery center. in the dim ages....overwork, stress, funding cuts....grad students dying by the 10's....1et's roll the clip.
Barb: Fascinating footage. With us tonight is LPL News analyst Andy Rivkin to give us some inside information about the LPL Faculty Search.
Andy: Now that the OJ trial is over, the attention of the Lab has turned to the equally long, equally gripping, and equally fruitless Faculty Search. But what is taking this process so long? Tonight, we have the Top Ten Reasons that the Faculty Search is Taking So Long.
Barb: I recently had the opportunity to participate in a wonderful educational program here in the Lab. I convinced LPL News to run a story about the fine projects taking place here so that others could be aware of these opportunities as well. We go to Karen Meyers in the field.
VIDEO:Projects SPOOF (Science, Planetary, for Obstreticians, Ova, and Fetuses) and CORPSE (COurse for the Recently Passed in Science Education)
Jen: Let's check in with Doug for the sports scores.
Doug: Still Dave 0, Tim 0.
Jen: This just in--the LPL address has changed again. Please continue to use the street address but use all appropriate punctuation. Also include the building name--that's Kuiper comma Space comma Sciences comma building.
Jen: The big news of the year happened just weeks ago, when William "Gramps" Merline graduated from our program after 13 years. This unprecedented event was interpreted by some as a sure sign of the Apocalypse. LPL News now shows you what the other 6 signs might be.
VIDEO: 6 Signs of the Apocalypse: Mike Drake goes on the wagon; Bob Strom decides the future looks rosy; Pacheco cancels football game for LPL Meet Yourself; Bill Boynton is gay; Dave Krin becomes Baywatch lifeguard; Ann Sprague gets pregnant.
Barb: We've received yet another address update. Please use the following coordinates for delivery to LPL: 32 north latitude, 111 west longitude. That's the news tonight. We'd like to thank everyone who participated for being such good sports. LPL Update was conceived, produced and directed by the LPL Grad Students, who take sole responsibility for its contents. Happy holidays from all of us! Stay tuned for behind-the-scenes shots as we show you what it takes to make the skits.
Barb, Jen,Doug: Good night.
VIDEO:Outtakes
Doug: And the final score in that game was--Dave 1, Tim 0.
